Glitterlance
by Grandma's Radioactive Cookies
Summary: I swear if these ninjas are homophobes I would bash their faces in. SI-OC. Homosexual themes. A whole lot of swearing. Get your conservative asses away from me.


**Glitterlance**

Disclaimers:

1\. The title is actually from League of Legends (Lulu to be precise.)

2\. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, only my OC's belong to moi.

3\. This fic was not written to insult the LGBT community.

4\. The Cover is not mine. Creds go to the artist.

You should really read something better, but meh try and give this a shot.

A whole lot cursing.

* * *

Prologue

They say that childbirth is one of the most magical moments in life. It is the so-called "pinnacle of creation". The event in which the proud parents experience new life being brought into this world. Yet, I think those wonderful descriptions cannot apply to the one who was going out of the womb.

And as of the moment, I am positive I was being squeezed through my new mother's privates.

As a fully grown gay man, I find this quite disturbing.

This is the first time I am inside a vagina, and I can tell you; it is not leaving a nice first impression. Also, I heard from my friend at the obstetrics ward that a vagina can actually grow teeth. I mean, can they like eat Taco Bell down there? Imagine eating doughnuts with your mouth while at the same time eating burritos with your vagina. Fuck yeah!

I am a mentally disturbed individual.

And I think my femur is being turned to dust with the strength of the pushes. Merlin woman, baby bones here. I do not want to be crippled because you squeezed my legs too hard with your vagina. After a few more grunts and forceful pushes, I was finally free.

I tried opening my eyes only to close them again immediately. _Too bright._ After a few more tries, I finally succeeded in opening them slightly. I can now see big blurs moving alongside each other.

Someone then lifted me up. I was given to a blur who wiped me with something soft and warm. A voice uttered words that seemed familiar, yet too complex for my infant mind to fully understand, before I was passed to someone who held me close and softly patted my back.

'Mother.' My mind supplied. Due to my still adapting eyesight, all that I could properly make out was something white. 'Huh, I think that's her hair. It's pretty.'

The patting on my back gradually slowed while I was slowly succumbing to sleep. A panicked frenzy spread throughout the room before somebody took me from my mother's arms.

Desperate cries filled the air as a glowing green thing was pressed upon the blurry image of my mother.

Sadly, on the 27th day of December, my mother died bringing me into this world.

* * *

"Does little Nariko-chan need a change of diapers?" Oh no bitch, not you again.

My name is Yoshida Nariko an eight-month old baby boy. I'm currently in an orphanage somewhere in Japan. The first few months of this new life were confusing. Having blurry eyesight, and coming across a cultural barrier were certainly not helpful.

I recognized the spoken tongue because of the Japanese classes that I took in my past-life. I've had an unhealthy obsession with anime, manga, and Japan in particular, so I am particularly happy in the topic of where I was reincarnated.

As of now, I've managed to scrape up enough of my past knowledge to start getting at least a grasp on the local language.

"Oh little Nariko-chan you're really dirty."

 _Hoe I am a fucking infant; I'll show you how dirty I can be._

"You little fucker!" I gurgled and smiled at the now angry matron, Miko-san, as my urine dripped down her scowling face.

For the past months I kept mulling over how I've kept my memories of my past life.

I was nothing special, that I can affirm. In my old life I was a simple Cardiologist. I had a few close friends, hadn't even had a single boyfriend, took care of an abundance of mini Siberian huskies, a penchant for yoga and acrobatics, an unhealthy obsession with Japan, and a dirty sailor's mouth. Other than that I was sure there was nothing special about me.

Is it the cause of death? Surely not. How did I die anyway?

It was a Saturday. I remember bringing two of my baby Huskies to the vet. There, I remember waiting with my dogs to get their anti-rabies. And then there was the sound of breaking glass. Three armed men then entered the clinic. They started shooting everything in sight. Animals and people alike. Heh boring story. But I'm thankful that it was a quick death.

Is it related to family problems?

Sure, my previous parents disowned me once they learned of my preference; but meh, a lot of people have worse family problems than I do.

Perhaps it was the desire to help a lot of people, but then an abundance of the Earth's population would still keep their memories when they die. But then maybe the deity that put me here just made a mistake.

Who the fuck knows anyway?

* * *

I first saw myself when I was a year and a month old. I was walking clumsily with one of my favorite caretakers, Rei-san, trailing behind me, when I came across a full-length mirror near one of the rooms.

'Holy chipotle, I'm pretty.' And damn I certainly look cute. Short pinkish-white hair, big and innocent eyes. But what really caught my attention was their coloring.

'Elizabeth Liones, you better pack your pink panties.'

Oh my fuck my eyes were mismatched! Score bitch! My left eye was gray, while my right eye was purple. The boys better be ready when I grow up.

My skin was really pale, the color almost matching my hair. To finish that my nose was thin and sharp. I was still pretty short with a healthy amount of baby fat. My examination was cut short when Rei-san noticed that I was staring at the mirror, she then kneeled down next to me.

"That's you, Nariko-chan." She said while gesturing to the mirror. I slowly reached out a hand to touch my reflection. I gurgled as I watched the feminine looking boy do the same.

"You're a pretty little boy aren't you?" Rei-san said, smiling as she watched me interact with my reflection. "You're going to get a lot of girls when you grow up." With that I looked at her and tilted my head to the side.

"You're too cute, Nariko-chan!"

* * *

The day I said my first word was the day that the teenaged boys of the orphanage ran for their lives before they were castrated by the Matron.

It was my 17th month here and I guess I was ready to impart my wise first words.

During breakfast, Rei-san was feeding me when I started trying to form the words.

"O-o-op." Rei-san looked ecstatic. "Miko-san! I think Nariko-chan is about to say her first words!"

The old matron then moved closer to us as the other caretakers watched on curiously. "Go on Nariko-chan. You can do it." Miko-san gently urged.

"Op-op-op." With baited breaths the people at the orphanage were waiting if I would continue and pronounce a full word.

"Opo-opou-opa."

I took a deep breath. _Oh here it comes bitches._

"OPAI!" I shouted, laughing madly. Rei-san looked horrified at the word. The boys then started to laugh, while the matron's ire was most certainly rising. "Opai! Opai! Opai!" I happily repeated while laughing and gurgling, further encouraging the anger of the old woman.

"Boys." The matron said in a calm voice. I though, didn't get the clue and responded to her in a chorus of opais.

After a fun-filled morning full of laughter, screams and a lot of spanking, we then proceeded to have an inspection of the rooms.

I can say that a lot of interesting shit got confiscated.

"What are these!" The matron barked in anger. "Naughty Maids! Ramen Girls! Big Bread Bakery! The Great Hole of Mindy?! The Naughtiest Kunoichis of Today?"

Somehow, that froze my train of thought. _Kunoichis of_ _ **today**_ _?_ That isn't quite possible. I was seriously not where I think I was right? Though that may explain the lack of modernization, telephones, and cellular phones. There was also the design of the orphanage to consider. Dark oak floors, sliding doors, and all the other shit. And there are those SI stories that I've always loved reading.

Yet, perhaps that magazine was just full of foreplay. And maybe we don't have enough funds to obtain those types of technology, I mean, there are a lot of kids that the orphanage need to feed. That can also explain the old design of the building. Sure I've read a lot of fanfics but that is just pure fiction anyway.

But somehow the mention of a perverted book made me doubt my conclusions.

"… A Fleshlight! Lube? Icha Icha Paradise! And who the hell here uses this blue dildo?"

 _Icha Icha?!_

Okay, calm down Nariko. Kishimoto probably released Jiraiya's perverted book. I mean, Jiraiya was his character; so technically Icha Icha is his book.

No need to panic.

And I disregarded all of these theories, and thought myself as a regular, Japanese boy that lived in Japan.

Which I thought I was until I went to the market.

* * *

"Rei-san, faster!" I said impatiently to the slow caretaker. Rei-san was going to the market and I insisted on coming along. The prospect of leaving the orphanage and exploring this new town made my little two-year-old body buzz in excitement.

"Maa, Nariko-chan. You're walking too quickly." I slowed down my pace as she took my tiny hand in hers. "I'm excited to see, uhm."

I said as I tried to remember the name of this place.

 _How stupid, I don't even know where the fuck I live._

"Konoha, dear." I froze. "Konoha?" I asked again. "Hai, Nariko-chan."

 _Maybe it's just a Naruto-inspired place in Japan. Yes, I think that's it._

With that, I pushed it to the back of my mind and beamed at Rei-san. "Then I'm excited to see Konoha!" Rei-san just chuckled as we continued walking towards the marketplace.

 _Woah. I didn't know that there were a lot of people in here._

As we walked through the crowded streets, I can't help but notice how happy the people here are.

Overall, the village's nice homey, and secure atmosphere made me smile, and skip while swaying Rei-san hand.

"You sure are happy, Nariko-chan." The caretaker said, as she looked down at me. "Hai, Rei-san. Konoha is nice!"

"Konoha is also very secure, Na-chan." Rei-san said. I looked at her curiously as she answered my unspoken question.

"Konoha is a shinobi village, Na-chan. Some people who live here are shinobi. They are strong people who serve and protect Konoha, and the people who live in it. The leader of all the shinobi, is called the Hokage, he leads and manages the village too." With that she gestured to upward to the Hokage mountain as I listened, dumbstruck at this influx of information.

 _Oh fuck. I really am in the Naruto-verse. I know that I was obsessed with this in my past life, but I never asked to be in it! This world is full of violence and death; which as a doctor, I try to avoid. There's also the matter of trust issues, mental problems, espionage, seduction(!), and all those other bad ninja stuff._

 _But it could also be really cool Nariko. There's the chance to obtain power. The chance to protect all your precious people. This can also be the chance to gain a family, to be someone special in at least a person's life. Not to mention all those healing jutsus I could learn._

 _I suppose I should try and live this second life to the fullest. But before that, where the fuck am I in the plot?_

With that question in mind I looked at the mountain and saw four stone faces staring at me.

I'm willing to bet on all of the silicon in Kim Kardashian's ass that I'm in possibly the most dangerous time of all.

 _Okay this can be before or after the attack of the Kyuubi. Either way it's not looking very nice. If it's before, I'll get to see the Kyuubi in live action, and possibly die. If it's after, I get Orochimaru, The Akatsuki, and a lot of life-threatening shit. Fucking hell. This is a lot for a two-year-old to process._

And that was not the last surprise in my day.

And I was _not_ a fan of surprises.

After that brief lesson from Rei-san, we continued to the market place. We went around the market buying all the food needed in the orphanage.

* * *

 _I fucking blame the broccoli._

Unfortunately, as we were buying the last vegetable, (which was broccoli, that bitch). I felt somebody kneeling down behind me. I turned around.

Only to come face to face with a purple-eyed, red-haired, beauty, to say it short, Uzumaki Kushina.

 _Ha ha. Fucking Funny._

"Hi little girl! What's your name? You're really cute, dattebane!" _Ha I can deceive one of the strongest kunoichis in this world! What else can I do when I grow up?_ _Aside from that, I think this answers where I am in the plot. So I was born before the attack of the Kyuubi. Well shit._

"M-my name is Yoshida Nariko." I said while twisting my sandaled foot, fiddling with the hem of the oversized shirt I was wearing;

 _Nariko you fucking pansy._

"You have a pretty name, 'bane! My name is Uzumaki Kushina, dattebane!" Rei-san then turned around and saw Kushina talking to me.

"Gomen, Kushina-sama. Is Nariko-chan troubling you?" Oh so now I'm the troublemaker.

"Iie. I just found your daughter to be really cute, and I really like her hair and her cute little outfit, dattebane!"

Rei-san looked amused as she corrected Kushina, "Iie Kushina-sama, Nariko-chan is not my son."

Kushina looked alarmed, "Son? You're a boy 'ttebane?!". I nodded an affirmative. Embarrassment then worked its way onto Kushina's head as she apologized profoundly, the color of her face slowly matching her red hot mane.

"… because of the hair, 'bane! And your eyes, 'ttebane! And everything, dattebane! I'm not saying that your body is for a girl but- uhm. Dattebane! Gom-!" Kushina's apology was cut short as a hand was placed on her shoulder.

I look at the ground in embarrassment.

 _Kami, now everyone is looking at us. Nice going you red haired-rhino; you got us all the attention you bitch._

 _I'm really mean._

 _But I really don't like unwanted attention._

"Kushina, are you causing trouble again?" **HOLY KRISPY KREME HIS VOICE WETS MY LITTLE BOY PANTIES.**

"AGH, DATTEBANE! Minato, I'm apologizing to this little boy 'bane and her- _his_ mom, 'ttebane, because I called him a girl. And then I said sorry, and then-." Minato stopped her again with a well practiced "Kushina."

"Good morning, Hokage-sama." Rei-san said. She tapped me lightly on the shoulder, expecting me to echo her greeting.

"Good mo-." **SCREW ME NOW DADDY. I DON'T CARE IF I'M FUCKING TWO.**

Namikaze Minato was every bit as handsome as the anime and manga depicted him to be. His face was sharp, pretty, and angular. And, there's no hiding the obvious muscle definition that comes with being a shinobi. His legs are slender and long, yet they're probably strong. (rhymy-whymies hihi). And he probably has a big package.

 _You naughty little gay two-year-old!_

 _And also every bit dangerous, maybe even more. Act casual Nariko._ I reminded myself.

"Good morning, Hokage-sama." I let out.

Minato nodded at us. "Kushina, we have to go now. Obito and Rin have a mission, and we have to pick up Naruto from them." Kushina then uttered a final apology which, I numbly accepted and then they were on their way.

Minato's last statement really gave me a lot of things to think on. While heading home I formed theories inside my head; by my bedtime, I made out a quite crazy, yet believable and solid conclusion.

I was in the Naruto-verse, that I'm sure of. Rin and Obito are alive, therefore leading to Obito not fucking up Kushina's birth; so no Kyuubi attack.

Naruto and probably the rest of the Konoha 12 are probably already born. So that either makes me older or younger than them.

The Yondaime is still the Hokage so hopefully there would be no Uchiha Massacre. And the Yondaime would possibly not die, therefore no Tsunade-sama as the Godaime.

What else? Oh, the plot is fucked.

If they're all alive what's going to happen in the future? If Naruto doesn't experience all that sadness and hate, how can he relate, and later save Gaara?

Are the Akatsuki still collecting the bijuu? Or are they now just a simple group of bounty hunters?

In the context of Akatsuki, there is one person who I can't wait to meet. In my past life I've always adored my favorite Akatsuki member. I had plushies, posters, backgrounds, and all the other shit.

That's right. I can't wait to meet the great and beautiful Konan-sama! I am so getting her autograph when I meet her, even if it's in the battlefield. I also want to steal one of her papers.

And I am so going to fucking color my nails.

Wait, where was I?

Ah the plot. I don't even know what's going to happen. All that's important is that I need to be strong. I need to be a fucking badass _shinoichi._

What would I specialize in? I found myself asking.

I was sure that I wanted to be a medic-nin. If Sakura is in my generation, I'll fight her for the position of Tsunade-sama's apprentice. I just hope that I have that 'perfect chakra control' that's needed for the position.

Hmm. What else?

Genjutsu? I guess I'll try to work on that. Taijutsu? Yes. I only want to do this to befriend my Gai-sensei!

Yosh! I shall not waste the springtime of youth that is upon my blossoming body!

Anyway, I know it will be hard. And despite all those fanfics of them getting really strong, I know I'm no Mary Sue.

Ugh. Good luck to me.

Get fucking ready Naruto World! Yoshida Nariko, the prettiest boy alive, is here to screw this shit up!

And with those final thoughts, I turned to the side, and promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Leave me a fucking comment coz I'm very lonely.

-Drew Monson


End file.
